I used to blog and write a lot. Previous life and blog- www.tortorice.blogspot.com. Back when it was cool and before social media went bananas. I did it to keep up with the other "mom's". I did it to have proof to my children that I was vested in their lives. Even though they didn't have a clue or could barely read. I did it to may myself feel better. That seems like centuries, ago. Why am I doing it today? Because, my therapist told me that it is a healthy activity. To write my feelings down. It is supposed to be a "release" of some sort. Hopefully, it feels like a bottle of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc, because these days that is my favorite release. Turns out that one isn't "healthy". I beg to differ. Nothing better then feeling your body relax after that first sip of glorious wine. Everything starts to feel fuzzy and when you look into the world after that first glass, everything starts to feel softer. Because I am really fucking tired of the world feeling so harsh. 2020 is going to go down as a the year of the "dumpster fire". That analogy completely grosses me out. Who wants to envision burning waste, standing there and smelling it burn. Gross. I have seen water bottle stickers, those cool ones that the kids want on their $40 water bottles of a fucking dumpster fire. That is just dumb. We moved into a new house roughly a year ago. It is basically my dream house. We all have our own space, large master bedroom with a gorgeous, custom tile in the shower. The shower I have ALWAYS wanted. Turns out I use it for mostly therapy. I cry in there, more days than not. I don't like others seem me sad or cry. It is a safe haven, even has a bench on the days I just want to sit and sob. Erik, my children's father whom I was with for 23 years, died. He died of a drug overdose. At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell people the truth. I wasn't sure if I wanted my children to know. Truth be told, I have only told my 16 year old son. My 12 year old son and my 9 year old daughter are too young to understand. When they start dabbling with things, that is when I will throw it on them. Kind of like how I did with Anthony, gasoline on our dumpster fire. "You understand that weed is a gateway drug. That is what your father did at your age and it never stopped. It just progressed from there. If you want smoke weed, that is fine, but then you could die of meth." Nice parenting, Melissa. That is why I am no longer allowed to drink with my friend Kim Crawford, because my delivery of tough messages royally sucks! Have I told you how much I miss her though? Because I do.
